Tuesday, September 28, 2004



So every now and then, I peruse the online personal ads. I'm not signed up for any pay services and I don't have my own profile online or anything (other than alumni directories). It's interesting to read between the lines to get a clue about a person's troubled past or personality quirks. The following are some of my favorite outtakes from Yahoo personal ads.

"I'm a very outgoing, good looking, intelligent & fun girl with a great personality. I am definitely a delight to have around & know exactly what I want and expect of others. I enjoy nice dinners, great wine, good conversation (among other things of course). "

"No mullets or marrieds please" (Title)

"seeking nice man for a change!" (Title)

"No Psychos please! Next" (Title) - First off, If your still living with parents that are crazy then please step back and let others through because im not about to deal with anymore situations like that anymore...."

"...To the guys that are older then 25 years old do not bother because if you send anything to me that means you can't read . So don't be idoit."

"Alright, I'm going to be perfectly honest - at the moment, I have consumed entirely too much wine and am feeling more than sociable. Tomorrow, my ad will most likely change, if not disappear entirely..." [This ad's been up for well over a year]

"I am a very nice woman that has just been with the wrong man for a year and realized that i dont have to put up with him treating me like that. I am a good person and know there is someone out there that will treat me nice "

"Hey guys! My seven year relationship just ended so I'm looking for someone to talk to." [Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!"]

"hmmmmmm. Not much to say. I really enjoy the outdoors. As far as everything else I like to many different things to mention. If you need more information or questions, just let me know!" [I do have a question... Do you also like the indoors? Yes or no will suffice, I don't need the whole story.]

"Alone and in NEED!!!!" (Title)

This one is my personal favorite:

"I started out a couple years ago, younger, thinner, but very active. Now I may be a little bigger, larger tights, my butt is larger but so nice. I love all things possible, I am very outgoing in most ways. I am adventurist, somewhat of a tease towards boys, men, girls, I love to go shopping at the malls, tons of people there. I love wearing my short sun-dresses, and 8" spiked heels. I am wealthy, own my late father business, which has great income !!!! Email me guys, will not be sorry !!Love Nancy & friendThe men must be active, most of the time, enjoy shopping, outings, travel, going to many parties, outgoing, adventurious, willing to go the extra mile, willing to share all things, you do not have to be rich, (I am), educations make no difference at all, looks are really unimportant, being active is most important! "

And she's right, educations make no difference at all.

Monday, September 27, 2004


Other online alumni profile

I almost forgot about my alumni update profile thing for where I went to college. The reason I just remembered it is that I got an anonymous message emailed to me because of it.

The message was, "Can't believe how snobbish your info is. You suck!"

The profile this person was responding to is as follows:
"I do some important and impressive stuff at Ryan Engineering here in Siloam Springs. I`m single and desperate, so if you know any nice young ladies you`d like to set me up with, please let me know. I`ll take pretty much anybody at this point."

I guess I need to update it, since I got laid off from my job months ago.

Friday, September 24, 2004


New other blog

I started another blog to document some of the instrument making stuff I've done. At first it'll mainly be about a guitar making class I was able to take in January. I'm mainly doing that as sort of a diary for myself, and so that I remember to take pictures and stuff while I'm working.


If you use an RSS reader, the site feed is:

The site feed for this site is:

Thursday, September 23, 2004


Virtual Highschool Reunion!

So a few years before spam was a big problem, I signed up on the high school reunion site www.reunion.com which is a great way to get in touch with old high school pals, and it's also a good way for them to harvest and sell your email address.

I thought it was kind of funny when people would describe their jobs and stuff, they would try to blow it up into something more than it probably was, giving dollar amounts for the accounts they handle, elaborate job titles, etc... So I decided to go the opposite direction.

Here's my reunion.com profile:
"I really need a new job. Bad. I'm in Northwest Arkansas right now, I work as a draftsman. It's a pathetic job, I get no respect, women make fun of me and children mock me. Everyday I walk the streets hoping that by some weird twist of fate, I will be run over by a bus (later the bus explodes). I sit at the local Wafflehouse, by myself, at the counter, reflecting on the poor decisions I've made in my life. "It's all come to this," I think to myself. All these years of education and hard work, and this is what it all led up to. A greasy piece of chicken and some scrambled eggs, served cold and rudely by a smug waitress with a huge tattoo on the back of her neck. I ask her if she considers the tattoo to be more of a demon, or is it a gargoyle. Then I asked her if she was single. She rolled her eyes and said "No" and sauntered over to the other waitresses and regular customers ("locals" they like to call themselves) and they started laughing and pointing. "I have an engineering degree!" I screamed. "Any one of you would give your left arm for the success I've experienced in my life," and with that I plunked down a generous tip and stormed out. I could see them laughing through the window. They knew I was bluffing. If you're ever in the area, give me a call! -Jonny"

None of those stuck-up preppy bastards from my high school has tried to contact me through the site yet, so I guess it's working.

Sunday, September 19, 2004



I really hate the mall. You'd think a single fella like myself would like to be at a place where so many hott chicks congregate, but there you have it.

Sometimes, though, the stuff I need is at the mall and I have to actually go inside and get it. But before I talk about that, let me type some stuff.

I've worn Vans brand shoes since I was in junior high, back in my BMX-bandit days. Old school canvas, not that new bulky junk that makes your feet look huge. They make horrible running shoes, because they have almost no support at all for your feet. In junior high school on certain days, we had to run laps around the track, and you could always hear me and my fellow biker friend Sean coming 'round the track, because both sets of feet were slapping loudly against the track with each step.

It used to be that in Omaha, the only place to buy Vans was at this little bike shop called Earl's, which was actually south of town in Belleview out in the middle of nowhere in a warehouse with a tiny sign on the door, and it was about a 45 minute drive. This is also where I got all my super cool bmx shirts that the ladies loved (I assume). I kind of enjoyed that my tastes were so eclectic that I had to go through this much effort to find an acceptable pair of shoes.

So Vans enjoyed a re-surge of popularity in the late 90's, so I was able to find the shoes that I wanted at the mall and didn't have to make the trip to the bike shop south of Omaha, which is good since I live in Arkansas.

The downside is that to get the Vans, I had to go into the most mallish of mall stores, Gadzooks, where rebellion is always 20% off list price. It's almost the same store as Hot Topic, another place where teenagers who don't know about street cred buy black t-shirts and studded belts.

I've worn size 11 Vans for a long time, I don't need to try them on, I know they'll fit. So I found the plain old-skool black canvas low-tops that I like, and asked the sales-girl working there if she had that in a size 11. She went to the back and got them, I told her I didn't need to try them on, and she smiled and handed me the box. No hassles so far.

So I take the box up to the cash register where there was a guy behind the counter (calling him an employee might be a stretch). I set the box on the counter right in front of the guy, and the conversation went like this.

Guy Behind The Counter: "Did she get these for you?"
Me: "Yes."
[awkward silence as I stare at him staring at the shoebox]
GBTC: "Umm... Do you want to try these on?"
Me: "No."
GBTC: [Looks at me trying to comprehend why I'm there]
[more awkward silence]
Girl That Got Me The Shoes: [leans over to GBTC and whispers in his ear] "I think he might want to buy these shoes here."
GBTC: "Oh..."

And as he was ringing up my shoes, it still didn't appear that he had fully grasped what the situation was. I bet when he flips through the channels on his TV at home, he thinks every show is Unsolved Mysteries.

And that's how come I love the mall.

Monday, September 13, 2004



My biggest fear in life is that I'm mentally challenged, but that I don't know it, because I am mentally challenged. Maybe one day I'll figure out for sure what the truth is, but that could take a long, long time.

In related news, you need to see this really excellent movie, which is out on DVD:

It'll be particularly enjoyable for you if you have a family member or friend with a mental disability.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004


Online Barber Shop

One of my favorite things is going down to the local barbershop on the corner downtown, a few blocks from my house. Or it used to be one of my favorite things, before I decided to start shaving my head, because, you know, that's the only dignified thing to do when your hair starts thinning.

What I like about the barber shop are all the cliches that old men say, and they all laugh at as if it were the most clever thing ever, which in turn makes me laugh. Sort of making fun of them in my head, but not really because I like it. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. "Working hard or hardly working?" etc...

If you hang out much in online forums or newsgroups you will quickly recognize other cliches, or "Lowest Hanging Fruit" as some of my friends call it. These are not endearing or quaint or fun in the old-man-at-the-barbershop kind of way. Here are some samples of what I'm talking about.

Situation: Someone types a message in all caps, such as "SO IS ANYONE ELSE AS EXCITED AS ME TO FINALLY GET TANGO AND CASH ON DVD?"

Lowest Hanging Fruit Cliche Response: "Stop shouting!!!" ... It's also followed by a explanation about netiquette and how all caps is the equivalent of shouting in a face to face conversation. This is WORSE than the person that types in all caps. And yes, I meant to yell that word.
Situation: Someone types a message making an inquiry about something, such as "Does anyone know where I can find some plans to build my own go-kart?"

Lowest Hanging Fruit Cliche Response: "Google is your friend." This is usually not accompanied by any other sentiment, and definitely not any helpful info for the person who asked. You know what? I've been friends with Google a long time, and we talked and we don't really want to hang out with you anymore.
Situation: Someone types an unequivocal statement, such as "I hate Lucky Charms, it's definitely the worst cereal in the world, and I wish that stupid little cartoon leprechaun would just curl up and die."

Lowest Hanging Fruit Cliche Response: "Tell us how you really feel!" This is sarcasm for people who aren't actually sarcastic. Let's leave that to the experts folks.

I'm sure I'm missing some, feel free to clue me in on any that I missed.

Monday, September 06, 2004


Kirk D's Greeting Card Ideas

My friend Kirk (http://www.secretfunspot.com) works for a greeting card company. These were some greeting card ideas he emailed to some friends a few years ago.

1. Front: "Inside this card you will find a small strip of foil positioned to reflect your own image."

Inside: (small strip of reflective foil attached.)
Caption underneath: "Your face is horribly ugly."
2. Front: (written in colorful large cartoon print) "FREE BEER!"

Inside: "Now that I've got your attention, I offer my deepest sympathy regarding your recent loss."
3. Front: (picture of beautiful woman in revealing, red, two-piece bathing suit)
Caption: "I thought I would get you something extra-special for your birthday..."

Inside: Message to recipient stating that the text on the front of card is deceptive, and in fact, they are not getting a gift that is sexual in nature.
4.Front: Caption: "So you're getting older."

Inside: "good natured ribbing" that tends to really sting.
5. Front: (Image of enthusiastic cartoon man on white background)
Caption: "It's your 21st birthday!"

Inside: Some mention of alcohol
6. Front: (Cartoon figure standing near flashy sports car. Extended hand is holding car keys.)
Caption: "Now that you're 16, I thought I would get you a NEW CAR for your birthday..."

Inside: "If you go to the driveway you will find a late model sports car. It is your birthday gift. Insurance for it is extremely high."
7. Front: (Cartoon image of savvy looking woman sitting at a table with a cup of coffee, speaking to recipient.)
Caption: "Men, you can't live with them, you can't live without them."

Inside: "My negative view of men was caused by a lengthy series of failed relationships and meaningless sexual encounters."
8. Front: (Photograph of vintage fishing paraphanelia)
Caption: "To Dad"

Inside: "You're almost like a father to me."
9. Front: (Photograph of lighthouse beside serene ocean waters)
Caption: "In Sympathy"

Inside: "You don't come across as such a big shot now that you face enormous proportions of pain."
10. Front: (Image of small cartoon squirrel superimposed onto photograph of stacks of U.S. currency)
Caption: "I'll bet you're wondering if there is money in this card."

Inside: "You are in luck." (Inside a slot is a twenty dollar bill) "... or are you?" (Closer inspection reveals that the money is printed on the card.) "... then again, would I do that to you?" (Real money has been placed behind the fake money.) "... I just might" (As recipient attempts to remove money they discover it is attached with strong adhesive.) "... but I'm not that mean" (Small packet of adhesive remover pops up.) "... or am I?" (Bills are infested with germs.)
11. Front: "SEX!"

Inside: "Now that I've got your attention, I want to let you know that you are hurting the people who love you the most."
12. Front: (Cartoon image of the latest, top-selling children's toy)
Caption: "Happy Birthday!"

Inside: "My soul has deserted me. (Image used with permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited. All rights reserved.)"
13. Front: "To a wonderful couple on your wedding day."

Inside: "As you stand at the altar before all of your friends and family, you are basically asking the audience to imagine what you and your spouse look like while having sex."
14. Front: (Cartoon image of turtle in a recliner)
Caption: "I'll bet you're wondering why this birthday card is belated."

Inside: I'm in the final stages of a serious bout with Alzheimer's disease."
15. Front: "Directions: 1. Hold this card at arm's length. 2. Shake three times. 3. Repeat "My birthday wish will come true." out loud three times. 4. Open card."

Inside: A real leprechaun appears to grant wish.
16. Front: (Cartoon elephant sitting in the witness stand being cross-examined by a rabbit in a lawyer's outfit.)

Inside: "You are in pun Hell."
17. Front: (Photograph of orangutan wearing human clothes, in human office environment. No caption.)

Inside: Degrading insult comparing recipient's appearance to that of the primate seen on front.
18. Front: (Cartoon image associated with a funeral)
Caption: "Uh-oh, look who's 'over the hill'!"

Inside: "Happy ninety-sixth birthday!"
19. Front: "SEX!"

Inside: "Now that I've got your attention... FREE BEER!"

Friday, September 03, 2004


Mickey Got Served

Here's a pic my friend Jamey took after they caught a mouse in the office where he works.

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