Let's Eat Paste

So a few years before spam was a big problem, I signed up on the high school reunion site www.reunion.com which is a great way to get in touch with old high school pals, and it's also a good way for them to harvest and sell your email address.

I thought it was kind of funny when people would describe their jobs and stuff, they would try to blow it up into something more than it probably was, giving dollar amounts for the accounts they handle, elaborate job titles, etc... So I decided to go the opposite direction.

Here's my reunion.com profile:
"I really need a new job. Bad. I'm in Northwest Arkansas right now, I work as a draftsman. It's a pathetic job, I get no respect, women make fun of me and children mock me. Everyday I walk the streets hoping that by some weird twist of fate, I will be run over by a bus (later the bus explodes). I sit at the local Wafflehouse, by myself, at the counter, reflecting on the poor decisions I've made in my life. "It's all come to this," I think to myself. All these years of education and hard work, and this is what it all led up to. A greasy piece of chicken and some scrambled eggs, served cold and rudely by a smug waitress with a huge tattoo on the back of her neck. I ask her if she considers the tattoo to be more of a demon, or is it a gargoyle. Then I asked her if she was single. She rolled her eyes and said "No" and sauntered over to the other waitresses and regular customers ("locals" they like to call themselves) and they started laughing and pointing. "I have an engineering degree!" I screamed. "Any one of you would give your left arm for the success I've experienced in my life," and with that I plunked down a generous tip and stormed out. I could see them laughing through the window. They knew I was bluffing. If you're ever in the area, give me a call! -Jonny"

None of those stuck-up preppy bastards from my high school has tried to contact me through the site yet, so I guess it's working.